Short Story Samplings: #1

               

How to Play a Round of Golf (And Keep Your Sanity)

In order to succeed, it is an absolute must that you start well. This means first and foremost getting a good night’s sleep. No barhopping, girl-chasing, or drug-induced debauchery. Having to bail your friend out of jail at six in the morning does not bode well for a strong outing the following afternoon.

Sleep late (make sure to close your shades the night before,) and eat a solid breakfast. Don’t be too lazy to walk a few blocks away and get a real bagel as opposed to the rock-hard excuse for a Jewish donut they have around the corner. Eat it slowly, with a glass of orange juice, and allow yourself some time to digest before you jump into whatever early morning errands you have to run. Make sure to kiss your “Life’s a Joke, but Golf is Serious” pillow before you walk out the door.

On the drive up to your country club, visualize your impending round. Imagine the ball’s perfect trajectory as you see it land but ten feet from the pin, then envision your smooth, seamless putting stroke as you up-and-down for your fourth par of the day. Remember what your golf pro told you over and over again; remind your body of the torque motion that it is undoubtedly getting sick of— prepare for the worst, hope for something decent.

Do not under any circumstances eat a big lunch. And don’t feel bad about not being able to find anybody to play with. Sit in silence, munch on your personalized wrap, the same one you always get from the delicious buffet, and don’t mind that you are the only person in the room under the age of forty. Don’t even think about getting it in your head that you don’t belong. Eat slowly; make sure it is past two o’ clock when you shake Kyle the maitre d’s hand, thank him for everything, and quietly tell the doctors and lawyers with their judging eyes to fuck themselves. If it is before two, you will have to spend 50 extra dollars tipping a caddie.

When the Caddie Master at the first tee offers you one anyway, respectfully decline. Take a cart, or else you’ll end up calling it a day early. There’s nothing worse than shanking a ball across the wrong fairway and having to lug your clubs around while getting yelled at by the people whose round you rudely interrupted with your terrible play. Nobody can withstand four-plus hours of that kind of self-torture. Have the caddie who’s missing out on your fifty-dollar tip put your bag on your cart. There is no need to explain to him that you want to be alone; he will understand. Give him a friendly nod and grab your driver. Eyes on the prize.

This is it. The most important shot of the day. Stretch your body out first. Rotate side to side with the club sprawled across your arms behind your head. Take at least three practice swings before even teeing up the ball. Remember what the golf pro told you. Approach the ball and swing with confidence. If you need to, take another drive. They don’t call it breakfast ball for nothing. The first hole should go by without much controversy. Don’t complain if you bogey but don’t gloat with a par. It’s a sign of things to come but only if you don’t let yourself get too comfortable. The respect that each and every shot demands is warranted. This is a man’s game, after all.

The second hole is the true test of what the rest of the day holds. You will slice your drive; don’t get discouraged. If you hit it like you usually do, the tree on the right will surely be avoidable— just don’t think about evading it too much. If there’s one thing you learned it’s that on the links, the more you think about not doing something, the more likely it is to happen. “God, I hope I don’t short this putt,” might as well be a death sentence, while telling yourself “Keep your head down, keep your head down” can only mean you’re due for a twenty-yard, ground ball, waste of a shot sometime soon. Finish out the hole with confidence; be glad to get out of there with anything better than a triple bogey.

When you see the foursome in front of you on the third hole, do not panic. Try your best to cease the self-talk, as your bound to bring up the fact that your pace is completely changed and thus your day potentially ruined. It is too early for that negative Nancy bullshit. Do not let others’ presence affect the way you think, act, or judge yourself. You are neither better nor worse for how you play in their company. If you must, wait for them to be on the green until you set up in the tee box.

They should be done with the fourth hole by the time you complete your two-putt for bogey, but if they aren’t, embrace it. Notice that nobody is on your tail and accept the fact that it is beautiful outside and you are finally alone and of all the places you could be, you chose here. Even if your round is a disaster a la Chernobyl, you spent a day with nature, surrounded by some of the most aesthetically pleasing trees, lakes, and man-made creeks that Westchester has to offer. Doubting these thoughts will only prove futile. If you must, smoke one of the joints you brought with you and play some music on your iPhone. It’s quiet enough that nobody will be able to hear what song your shuffle chooses, and hopefully once you’re high and calm again the foursome will be out of sight.

Once you smoke the whole day is different. The sun shines a little brighter, it’s rays a little hotter, and each shot loses a little bit of importance. Now, you can laugh it off when you top the ball for a meager fifty yards, or resist the urge to hurl your club into the trees when the green doesn’t quite break the way you anticipated. Now, you have an excuse for why you can never live up to your own expectations.

After a break of almost ten minutes, don’t expect to stick your eight-iron on the green for the opportunity for a birdie putt. Be happy you’re not in the sand. If you are unfortunate enough to be in the sand, be happy your grandmother is not here to reminisce for the five hundredth time about when you were thirteen and she kicked you off the course because your raking technique did not meet her standards. Try not to think about your grandmother again the rest of the day.

When you have had enough of the slow pace, kindly ask the foursome in front of you to play through. Make sure your shirt is tucked in when you approach them or they might say no, denying you any chance of finishing your round before the sun goes down. Despite what you think is appropriate, do not rush through the next hole to create space from them. There are four of them and one of you, and they are undoubtedly older and naturally move slower anyway. The space will create itself.

When you decide to rush the next few holes anyway, don’t complain about your sloppy play. Know that you are just looking for excuses, for reasons to believe that by spending time out here you are somehow doing somebody wrong or missing out on something more important. Do not trust your negative judgment; it will only lead to self-pity.

After the front nine, don’t even think about calling it a day. You may believe that there are bigger and brighter things going on at home, but really all your friends wish they were you right now. Believe that if you actually succumbed to your fears and went home, you’d be wasting more time, letting more things ruminate, and ultimately dream of being back on the course. Right now it is just you, your thoughts, and the great outdoors. Keep these experiences close.

Tee off on ten and know you’ve made the right decision. Not because you just hit your best drive of the day, but because now is the time it usually starts getting cooler as darkness begins it’s slow approach. Your polo will ease off of the tight grip it has on your skin as the sun falls behind the trees and your only real distraction is how much of a utopia the land seems to be. There is nothing quite like hitting a solid drive into an orange and dark blue sky, watching as your ball seemingly disappears on the horizon only to land directly in the middle of the fairway, right where you aimed. Smoke your second joint if you must but know that despite what you believe, your appreciation of the situation will dwindle. In its place insecurities will come to light and any confidence you may have had will morph into indifference about any mistake you make.

The next few holes should be a breeze. One of them will almost certainly go horribly, but if you can anticipate it, the sting is not nearly as bad as the feeling you’ll get on your favorite and typically best hole when you use the wrong club and hit your approach ten yards short of the green. Funny how some double bogeys can make a day seem worthless while others make you realize you still have a fighting chance at attaining real success. The ebb and flow of a psyche during a round of golf is not worth trying to understand.

Even though the sun seems to be down and it is getting harder and harder to see your ball, do not rush through the last few holes. Trust that you planned everything properly; It would be a real shame to have to pick up in the middle of a hole and show up at the clubhouse with an incomplete scorecard. When you hit a particularly good approach shot on seventeen, don’t give in to the urge to rush your putt. It is precisely when you think you are free from the struggles of the game that they show you just how pertinent they are. Believe that the world is not over when you three-putt for bogey.

Do not take out your frustration on your final tee shot of the day. Just because your round is almost over does not mean that this hole won’t ruin everything you’ve done thus far. When you slice your drive onto a different fairway, don’t be surprised or upset. You’re tired, you’re a bit chilly, it is dark; the elements are in control now, and you must do your best to finish headstrong. When it takes you four more shots merely to reach the green, don’t sigh. Don’t whine to yourself, or throw your club for one final dramatic moment. Keep your eyes on the prize.

Finish out, shake the course’s proverbial hand, and mark down your final score. Then, toss the scorecard into your bag, hoping that the score will change itself, knowing you will probably never look at the card again. No amount of strokes can sum up your experience. Go to the locker room—which is surely empty by now—and take a nice long shower. You are in no rush to get back home to see your friends. They will be there whether you go out with them tonight or decide to quietly watch a movie at home. There is nothing wrong with devoting the day to you and you alone and being proud of such choices. It will all be worth it in the long run. Return your clubs to your car, hop in the driver’s seat, turn the engine on, and head home knowing that if all else fails, the course will be there tomorrow for you to try to conquer once again.